Big Feelings, Little Bodies: Helping Kids Regulate and Manage Emotions
- Mar 11
- 9 min read
There are days when your child is crying because their toast is “cut in the wrong triangles,” the blue cup is in the dishwasher, and you sang a song too happily.
And you’re standing there like…
Is this a tantrum? A meltdown? A full moon?
Or is this just… childhood?
If you’re in a season of big feelings, emotional explosions, dramatic floor flops, and tiny humans who seem to go from zero to one hundred in 0.2 seconds — hi. You’re not alone. 💙💚
And more importantly?
Your child isn’t “bad,” “naughty,” or “too much.”
They’re little.
They’re learning.
And emotional regulation is a skill — not something they magically wake up knowing how to do.
The hard part no one tells you
We’re trying to teach our kids how to manage their feelings… while often managing our own on very little sleep, cold coffee, work priorities and a mental load list that – if you were to write all out – would be a kilometre long.
So when your child is screaming because you cut the sandwich into triangles instead of squares, it’s not just their nervous system in the room. It’s yours too.
And that’s why this topic is so important.
Helping kids with big emotions isn’t just about “fixing the behaviour.”It’s about teaching emotional safety, language, and coping tools — over and over and over again (and then again tomorrow 🙃).
And, if you’re someone like me, who didn’t have parents to model this behaviour or teach you how to regulate yourself – congratulations, we’re breaking generational trauma and patterning by not only trying to teach our kids how to regulate, but also unlearning our childhood and re-teaching ourselves in the process (and maybe teaching our parents and in-laws a thing or two too). 🤦🏽♀️😅
First things first: Big feelings are not the problem
Feelings are not the issue.
What kids do with those feelings is what we’re teaching.
Anger? Normal.
Frustration? Normal.
Sadness? Normal.
Jealousy? Normal.
Disappointment? VERY normal (especially when snacks are involved – or that might just be my boys 🤷🏽♀️).
Our job isn’t to stop the feeling.
Our job is to help them move through it safely.
That shift alone can change everything.
What’s actually going on when kids “lose it”?
When kids are overwhelmed, tired, hungry, overstimulated, disappointed, or struggling to communicate what they need, their little brains can go into survival mode.
Which means:
logic disappears
listening goes out the window
your beautifully worded explanation means absolutely nothing 😅
In that moment, they don’t need a lecture.They need regulation first.
Connection before correction gets thrown around a lot online, but honestly? It really matters.
Because a child in full emotional overload cannot “learn the lesson” until they feel safe enough to calm back down into their own bodies.
What helps (in real life, not just in parenting books)
Here are the things that actually help in our house when emotions are running high – an again I will reiterate, it’s not perfect or prescribed, it’s just what works in our home for us and our kids:
1. Stay calm-ish (not perfect)
Notice I said calm-ish.
You do not need to be a zen monk floating through a tantrum.You’re a mum. A human one.
But if we can lower our voice, slow our body, and stop matching their intensity, it helps their nervous system borrow some calm from ours.
The phrase “borrow some of my calm” is one that’s used often in our household and in my opinion has been a the best way to transition into to a cuddle and eventually a quicker transition to a calmer situation.
Try:
getting low to their level
speaking slower than usual
using fewer words
softening your tone (even if internally you are screaming)
From my experience, even just one of these can help dramatically.
2. Name the feeling
Kids can’t regulate what they can’t identify.
Simple phrases can be powerful:
“I see you stamping your feet, you must be feeling really angry.”
“You’re upset because you wanted to keep playing.”
“Those are some big feelings coming out”
This doesn’t mean you agree with the behaviour.It means you’re helping them understand what’s happening in their body.
And over time, that builds emotional vocabulary — which is HUGE.
3. Hold the boundary, hold the child (figuratively… or literally if they want that)
This is the tough part.
You can validate the feeling and still hold the boundary.
“It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit.”
“You’re allowed to be upset. I won’t let you throw the toy.”
“You can cry. I’m here with you.”
This is where a lot of us get stuck, because we think being empathetic means giving in to the behaviour or situation.
It doesn’t.
You can be kind and firm.
Warm and clear.
Supportive and consistent.
That’s the sweet spot.
All that said, I still struggle with remembering to implement this language when my emotions or overwhelm gets the better of me – but I ALWAYS come back when we’re all calm to ‘unpack’ what just happened.
4. Give them a safe way to move the feeling
Some kids need to cry.
Some need to stomp.Some need space.
Some need a cuddle.
Some need to be upside down on the couch like little emotional monkeys.
That being said, we have a bunch of things we do (tools in our toolkit) that work to help our boys with emotional regulation.
Borrow mine, make it your own and create a few go-to options that suit you:
deep breaths – blow out candles, smell the flowers, blow some bubbles, smell the chocolate cookies, blow up a balloon, smell the fresh cut grass… You get the picture, just breath in and out and point out things to blow and things to smell/ breathe in.
We also like triangle or rainbow breathing. This is where we trace (or draw in the sky with our finger) a triangle or rainbow and breathe in, hold and breathe out on different sides of the triangles or colours on the rainbow.
'Shaking the Sillies Out’ – This is a song that we often sing in our house as a way of coming back to centre in a fun way (but also works in our house to wind the kids down for bed).
That being said, we don’t just stick to shaking our hands and feet (like the song suggests)… we ‘jump’, ‘stomp’, ‘hop’, ‘wiggle’ and ‘rolly poly’ our sillies out too. We sing it a couple of times with a different word each time and the kids end up laughing and falling into a ‘happiness heap’.
shake the calm bottle – ours are snow and ocean themed and are basically a bottle with water and glittery bits in there. The kids take turns with each bottle and swap until it becomes a game and then they’ve forgotten why they were upset in the first place.
cuddle a soft toy – each of my kids has one special soft toy. For Leonardo it’s Dino the Dinosaur and for Massimo it’s Charlie the Chimp (I’m practically Stan Lee with how I name the kids toys 😂). These toys go to bed with them each night as well as comfort them if they’re sick or emotional.
“angry drawing” on paper – or just colouring in general. We have a great book called 'The Colour Monster’ and we utilise the books symbolic colours for each emotion (Yellow = Happiness, Red = Anger, Black = Fear, etc) and try and draw it out. Usually I will draw an outline of a person and they can colour in where the feeling is in their body and what the feeling is.
wall pushes/ palm pushes or blanket cocoon wraps – the science behind these calming methods are fascinating and (in my experience) work wonders in calming my kids almost instantly. Like that extra exertion or compression brings them back to centre.
a calm corner / cosy spot – not something we have specifically set up in our home, but we do have a spot in the corner of the lounge that everyone seems to love. It’s by a big window with the sunlight streaming in.
We read our ‘before bed’ stories there, if anyone’s sick that’s where they’ll hang out and watch movies while I care for them and we just generally associate that spot as a calming corner in our home. When that association comes into play during calm times, it will work to calm during turbulent times.
cold water on hands and feet – a cooling of extremities I think is an old wives tale, but works so well in our house. It almost shocks you back to reality quickly. I guess it’s like having a cold shower, but kid friendly. The hose works well for this scenario as it pairs ties in with…
time outside (a quick outdoor reset) – sit under a tree, feel the grass in your toes, run, jump, kick a ball, get some sun, anything outside of the house. My best friend’s dad once said to me "parenting is easy…just add water” and I’ve made that my own with the phrase… “Just add sunshine and nature… and water (if it’s safe)”.
Nature for me is so grounding. And I’ve learned that going for a walk outdoors when I am dealing with things in my own mind is much better than bottling it and retreating to my room/ house to deal with it on my own. With that in mind, I want my kids to know that a good place to start when processing emotions is by going outside and moving their bodies.
The goal isn’t to stop emotion.It’s to help them express it safely.
For my FULL emotions toolkit and free Mini Guide…
Click Below ⬇️
5. Talk later, not in the middle of the storm
Mid-meltdown is not the moment for life lessons.
Once they’re calm (or calmer), then you can chat:
“What happened?”
“What were you feeling?”
“What can we do next time when we feel that angry?”
“Should we practise… ?”
This is where the learning sticks.
And yes, sometimes “later” is bedtime. Or the next day. Or in the car when everyone is randomly calm for 4.5 minutes.
That still counts.
What if YOU lose your cool?
You will.
At some point. Probably multiple points.
Because motherhood is a lot, and parenting emotional children while being a person with your own emotions is… intense.
Losing your cool doesn’t make you a bad mum.
This morning while I was getting the school bags sorted prior to school drop off’s, my youngest decided to draw on every surface other than paper – my floors, the table, the tv – because his brother wouldn’t share the colouring book.
There was so much happening in the one scenario – my eldest not sharing with his brother, my youngest getting upset that his bother won’t share and then resorting to defacing the house instead so he can have some drawing time too… and on top of that, the clock was ticking on school drop off.
I snapped! It became an overload for me too.
In that moment I was washed with guilt and tagged in my husband to “calm the kids” while I calmed myself.
After a couple of minutes, I came back into the room and apologised to both boys and my husband for snapping and we sat down on the floor as a family to calm ourselves together and come up with a solution to the sharing issue and the drawing on walls.
Both kids were late to school, but repair, the connection that followed and solving the scenario together was what mattered.
BUT it all stemmed from repair.
When you lose your cool, try:
“I yelled before, and I’m sorry.”
“I was feeling overwhelmed and I didn’t handle that well.”
“I’m still learning too.”
“Let’s try again.”
Honestly? Repair is one of the most powerful things we can model.
It teaches our kids that:
mistakes happen
relationships can recover
emotions don’t make us unlovable
That’s massive.
A few gentle reminders (for the days it all feels like too much)
Big feelings are not a sign you’re failing.
Emotional outbursts don’t mean your child is “spoilt.”
Repetition is not wasted effort — it’s how kids learn.
Your calm matters, but perfection is not required.
You are allowed to need a break too.
Some seasons are louder than others.
Some kids feel everything deeply.
Some days will feel like progress, and others will feel like you’re back at square one because someone sobbed over the wrong coloured bowl.
That doesn’t mean it isn’t working.
It means you’re in it.
And if you’re showing up, trying again, learning alongside them, and loving them through the mess?
You’re doing better than you think.
Final thought: We’re not raising robots — we’re raising humans
Humans who will feel disappointed, angry, nervous, excited, jealous, proud, overwhelmed, and deeply tender things across their lives.
Teaching them how to sit with feelings, name them, and move through them safely is some of the most important work we do.
It’s not flashy.
It’s not quick.
And it definitely doesn’t always look calm.
But it matters.
So if today looked like tears, deep breaths, snack negotiations, and one small emotional recovery… That counts.
You’re not just getting through the day.
You’re teaching emotional resilience in real time.
💙💚
Mama Interrupted.
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